Congratulations, you have officially made it through the worst month of the year. But, did those oh so optimistic New Year’s resolutions make it through with you? Nah, us neither. By January the 6th we were back on our bullshit and the whole *new year new us* fantasy had been chucked in the bin, along with all the ready meal boxes and empty bottles of wine from a not-very-fucking-dry January.  But hey, maybe we were over ambitious. You helped us set some smaller, more realistic goals for the rest of the year and here they are.Even if we just manage half of these we’ll be onto a winner.

1. Get out of bed without making that “uuruughhgdsjsdhmmpff” noise that makes you sound like an 80 year old with creaky knees.


2. Sit at your desk when working from home rather than in the pillow fort you’ve constructed in your bed which gives you back ache and encourages you to disassociate.


3. Tell more people to fuck off when they’re being outrageous. Seriously channel your inner Logan Roy.


4. Stop eating your pack lunch at 10am and then having to spend £200 in Pret on a sarnie and a DC.


5. Put! less! explanation! points! in! your! emails! Nobody is that bloody enthusiastic.


6. Drink at least one sip of water each day so your body is a temple of hydration.


7. Hang up on your parents when they give you unhelpful unsolicited advice. “Oh darling, you should go outside today. It’ll help.” OK Mum, guess I’ll just go throw myself into a pile of leaves then shall I?


8. Don’t summon a demon unless you absolutely need to.


9. Stop allowing yourself a 20 minute scroll on TikTok as a ‘little treat’ every time you do 3 minutes of work.


10. Eat at least one vegetable per week. Mint chewing gum counts.


11. When scrolling on Instagram thinking about how everyone’s lives seem much more aesthetic than yours, remind yourself they’re probably also sat crying into a bag of Doritos, they’re just not posting about it.


12. Try and buy a house plant without giving it an old people name like ‘Kevin’ or ‘Steve’ so that when it inevitably dies the mourning process doesn’t hit so hard.


13. Read one whole book. Cover to cover. Without giving up and letting it slide through that gap between your bed and the wall to just lay there forgotten about for 15 years.

14.Learn how to have a phone call without writing an entire script beforehand. 

15. Don’t let out a nervous fart every time you have an awkward conversation.