Agony Oaf
Hot Potato!
Dear Agony Oaf,
I saw my ex-lover’s face in a potato and now I’ve found myself in love with it. Is this wrong? See pic...
Dear reader,
Thank you for the photo. I can see why your brain is fried. This is a very good looking potato. To answer your question… yes, it probably is wrong. But the real issue here is not you falling in love with this potato, it is that you are trying to recreate the past, and with sell by dates not on your side, that’s not a good idea. It’s time to cash in your chips and let go of this spud muffin. Peel away the pain and pop them in your favourite potato-based dish. Or get crafty by turning it into stamps, you could even make an inspirational piece of artwork to remind you of the good times.
Greetings from Uranus
Dear Agony Oaf,
My bum itches all the time but my doctor says there’s nothing wrong. What should I do?
Dear reader,
An itchy bum is no laughing matter. Since your doctor has given the all clear, have you considered the possibility you have a paranormal posterior? Next time this happens, I want you to pay close attention to what your bothered behind is trying to tell you. Maybe your past life has something to say, or maybe it’s a message from a galaxy far far away. All I know is, your bum could hold the answer to the universe - don’t fuck this up.
Socks To Be You
Dear Agony Oaf,
I put a washing on and then discovered an odd sock that was meant to be in the load as well. Please help…
Dear reader,
In your past life you were a pirate named Captain Moonie Two-Toe. He lost all but two toes in a savage incident in 1693. I cannot say how he lost his toes, but I’m not not saying that they were eaten by fellow crew whilst lost at sea. If the leftover sock is red, black, green, blue, pink, orange, yellow, purple, white or any shade of brown it is a direct message from your spirit guide. To connect with the spirit you must hold the castaway sock in your hands and repeat this three times... (email me for more details, small fee, will accept paypal)
Rebel without a Claus
Dear Agony Oaf,
Christmas is ruined for me because of my unhealthy obsession with big round jolly men with big white beards and red suits. Any tips?
Dear reader,
You are not alone. You will not believe how many times I hear this. But reader, what’s the harm in obsessing over big round jolly men with big white beards and red suits? As I always say, a little bit of what you love in moderation will do you good. Go on treat yourself, it is Christmas after all...
