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On my most recent trip to ol' berlin I came across this strange creature. He introduced himself in the most kindly manner as mr Lars von ticklebar. We met in a place which he had come to call home for 13 years, he lived amongst some disused ski jackets and dead ladies knickers, it wasn't much, he didn't have cable, but it was home. We whiled away some hours as Lars told me stories of his misadventures as a youth, of his lost loves, and of his current addiction to murder mystery paperbacks. He had grown tired of his life and yearned for something new. He wanted to live and breathe new adventures, adventures of the modern kind. He was tired of his surroundings and the grumble of the nobodies too tired and stale to do anything with their lives. I pitied his tales and popped him into my pocket. I will help you I said for this tale makes my right eye water a little with some kind of emotion and with a heavy sigh we walked out and onto the streets of Berlin where it was fucking freezing. We sat, we drank and Lars von ticklebar talked of how he had once met someone special, ignita hairyface, but that special person was taken, no snatched, by a dirty fingered man that smelt a little of foxes. It was mister Lars von ticklebar's fancy to be reunited with ignita hairyface again one day. But "how?" Back in his disco days he new some oversized hotdogs that moonlighted as pimps on eberswalder strasse. He was pretty sure ignita hairyface was sold into the seedy underworld of sordid soft toy pleasure. All it took to set loose the right information was a mini babybell and the threat of yakult in the eye. The location of ignita hairyface was unleashed and with some kind of wild crazed abandon Lars von tickle bar skipped off in search of that one love of yesteryear. We found ignita sat outside a late night kebab haunt, it was 9am and business was slow. It was a sorry sorry sight. Time had definitely left its mark on poor old ignita, the sprightly happy go lucky girl was no more, and instead all that was left was a tired old lady in a one-piece jumpsuit. Needless to say this didn't sit well with Lars von ticklebar. The thought of lacklustre sportswear and fungal diseases was too much for one mouse bear to deal with. It was a narrow escape. Ah well mr von ticklebar this is the modern age you have missed so much on cable television, this is realityâ¦it happens lets just go for currwurst. Not even three portions of currywurst would cheer mister von ticklebar up, It was only the suggestion of being my co adventurer around the world that put that cheeky little smile that I had grown to love back on his face. Yeah till next time, oh yes. Auf wiedersein BERLIN.